It has been a long while… Since I last wrote here, I have been accepted into the University of South Florida’s PhD. in literature program, I have moved, I have bought a couch, I have lived in a foreign city, and I have depended a great deal on my phone’s gps to get me around.

I start a journey that will affect the rest of my life, one way or the other, and I will be documenting it here. Not veering far from my original intention for this site– a site for all my fragmented thoughts and ideas to be expressed, on everything from life, work, school, and how I can theorize all these things.

I start off nervous and anxious; my normal demeanor, I think. I have nothing to say really… Nothing has happened yet. My apartment seems nice, my neighbors seem nice, I am dreading having to do laundry (cleaning the apartment, I can handle), I cook, I watch TV, I am trying to get a rhythm going. In all honesty, I didn’t think I would miss my family and friends this much, especially this soon. I think it has a lot to do with having nothing to do. There is no school, or work, or anything to do for a while still. I have been buying things for the apartment, getting settled in, cleaning, driving, etc…

Today, I finally ventured outside of the apartment to do something other than get something for the apartment. I tried to go to a coffee shop just down the block from where I live, but they close at noon, which is fine because I found Cafe Hey, which seems, thus far, to be a cool little place. It is mostly organic, free wifi, good coffee, laid back, just my kind of place. I did a little work today. I was able to write an abstract for a journal looking for papers; I’m also contemplating turning in an abstract for an other conference, but since I am going to New Mexico for a conference, I don’t know if i can afford to go to another conference.

I haven’t made any friends, yet, but I look forward to getting into the swing of things. The problem is I don’t have any money, so i am going to have to chill for a while until i can start paying down some of the debt I just racked up getting stuff for the apartment.

My feelings on all this vacillate. I go from nervous, to anxious, to depressed, to scared, to excited. I don’t know how to feel. Right before I left I had lunch with a friend who asked me “How do you feel about it” and it took me a long time to answer. I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t know if it matters that much? I am here, so there isn’t much I can do. If ever there was a time to put into practice some form of phenomenological existential experience of my feelings, it is now. The facticity is that I am here, and I should be here for about 4 years, so I should take hold of my feelings and feel hopeful and excited. But if life were that easy, we wouldn’t need Satre, Camus, and all the others to remind us that we must take control of our feelings.

Discipline is the key, I think. WIth all this time, I would like to mediate more, exercise more, and read more.

I leave this post like all the others– here in this fragment. There is more I want to say, but I also want to read a while before going to buy hooks, salsa, oregano, and an extension cord…

Advertisements